INT: The Intensifying Heart Club & Leisure Centre, in the bar

Seated at the bar are MONICA and her ex-employer, the aged MADAME MORGANNA, matriarch of the hair salon and arch-rival to DADDY and the Club.

Editor’s note: You don’t have to keep reminding us, Chad, everyone reading the stage directions already knows who she is. If you wanna remind people of the characters, put it in the ”previously” segment. It’s there for a reason, man. Also, if they are arch-rivals, why is she hanging out at his establishment?

 

MONICA

So I suppose you’ve heard the latest gossip about the ongoing conflict between DADDY and THE MAYOR?

 

MADAME MORGANNA

Oh please, darling, spare me the sordid details of men and their sordid affairs. Leave me to enjoy my expensive drink, dear.

 

MONICA

Now, MADAME, be kind. Save your sparkling, acid wit for when those awful men are actually present. We need to have a very serious discussion about this.

 

MADAME MORGANNA

You know, darling, that ”serious” is not a word I ever care to associate with. Mine are the things that are frivolous, sparkling, effervescent. You are still a young woman, but I am old now and I need to contemplate only the joyous things in life.

 

On the TV display above the bar, the soap opera ”Modern Love” is playing. The main character is in the middle of a soliloquy.

JEAN-PIERRE (on TV)

…which I have all but already forgiven. Oh what am I to make of the torment that has been bestowed upon me? Why did mother and father write HENRY into the will instead of me? The money… Also, why did the love of my wretched life, PENELOPE, say no when I proposed? If I can’t be with her forever, then I wish that I’m struck down dead in the street. I’d just as well throw the money into the toilet. This is the very worst of feelings I’ve ever…

 

MONICA

(Laughing) Oh MADAME what a delightful old crone you are. Fine, then. What about MYSTERY MASK, the famous masked stranger that turned up a week ago?

 

MADAME MORGANNA

I keep telling you, darling, men put on masks when they have something to hide. I feel sure that he is nothing more glamorous than another victim of substandard cosmetic surgery. Tell him to come over to MADAME MORGANNA’s salon and we’ll put him right.

 

MONICA

You believe your skills as a hairdresser are enough to reverse something that has been done with a scalpel?

 

MADAME MORGANNA

A fine reverse comb-over can solve just about any trouble with one’s appearance, dearie. Just look at me, it’s all smoke and mirrors; I’m really more than twenty years older than you think.

 

JEAN-PIERRE (on TV)

Oh where did all the young, beautiful girls go? Why will HENRY have mommy and daddy’s cash money?

 

MONICA

(Laughing) Oh MADAME, what a sardonically humorous and acidly witty old lady you are. But please, give me your aged womanly advice on what to do about MARCIA.

 

MADAME MORGANNA

That youngster is still worried about her eloped boytoy? Oh she’s better off without that womanizing, powdered dandy. He should have been shipped off to DR. ADAMSON a long time ago.

 

MONICA

And what about me, MADAME, what about me? My old friend SALINA ”THE ROOSTER” RASKOVA is now happily married to ANGÉL GABRIÉL. You know I have always secretly loved him! (Crying) And what about my parents’ will?

 

MADAME MORGANNA

Don’t worry your beautiful, young head about that, dearie. Your friend MADAME MORGANNA has a cunning plan to get him out of that arranged sham of a marriage and back into your arms.

 

JEAN-PIERRE (on TV)

…vampire bats, cheese in the rain, the volcanoes of New York…

Editor’s note: ???????

 

MADAME MORGANNA

You see, darling, that marriage was arranged with the help of that bastardly DR. ADAMSON and his corrupt Gastronomy Institute. And I, MADAME MORGANNA, happen to know his terrifying secret. Not even FRANK, awful man that he is, is aware of what I know about the DOCTOR. We shall use this as blackmail against him.

 

MONICA

Now, MADAME. I don’t care what you say about the others, but you can’t question or critisize FRANK. I won’t have it. I don’t know why the light of our town is collaborating with those dreadful men, but he must have our best interests at heart. He must! He’s FRANK!

 

MADAME MORGANNA

I know you are enamored with FRANK’s way of thinking, darling, but you must listen to me. I’ve known FRANK for decades, I know his ideas are revolutionary and have the potential to endanger us all.

 

On TV, in ”Modern Love”, PENELOPE runs into the shot.

PENELOPE (on TV)

JEAN-PIERRE! I’m back to come into your embrace again! Forget HENRY, forget the will, let’s run off together!

 

JEAN-PIERRE (on TV)

My love! Well, now that you’re back, tempting me with a torrent of temptations, I’m suddenly unsure of my moral convictions. I could go with you and live in bliss. But would not then HENRY gain hold of mommy and daddy’s cash money – cash money that morally, rightfully belongs to me?

 

PENELOPE (on TV)

What are you saying, my eternal, destined love? I’ve dropped everything to elope with you and get married in wedding bliss and have multible beautiful, God-given children. I’ve quit my job, severed my reationship with my family, sold all my expensive cars and special things, put my eight beloved hamsters up for ”adoption”…

 

JEAN-PIERRE (on TV)

Well, that all sounds very serious indeed. And I’m very blessed to get to have a girl like you. But I’m wondering how to make the moral judgement between all that you’ve given up and our burning desire to be together, and the moral conundrum of HENRY getting hold of my God-promised cash money. It’s a difficult situation.

 

PENELOPE (on TV)

Well, if what you said before in your soliloquy is true, then isn’t it fairly clear-cut?

 

JEAN-PIERRE (on TV)

Now now, love, I think you’re being somewhat rash. We all have to act as adults, follow the instructions that our parents gave us, and make sure to keep hold of money wherever we find it. Of course love, happiness and all those special things are important. But if I let cash money that I am morally entitled to fall into the hands of an undeserving man, then I have betrayed the social contract. My mommy and daddy will surely change their minds if I return to them. PENELOPE my sweet love, I can’t be with you right now. I have to drive home fast and have a very serious discussion with them about HENRY, the will, and lots and lots of cash money.

 

PENELOPE (on TV)

I can’t believe this.

On TV, in the soap opera ”Modern Love”, suddenly ANGÉL GABRIÉL enters.

Editor’s note: OK, have to step in here. Angél is suddenly on the TV, in a different story? What is that supposed to mean, has he taken a job as an actor?? Sure you don’t mean he’s entering the scene with Monica and Morganna? Also, this scene on the TV is going on for way too long, dude. What, are we supposed to film the bar TV for a solid ten minutes while the characters in OUR story just sit there?? How do you think that would work out on screen? It’s too much metafiction, man, remember you’re not David Lynch here. You may not respect our audience, but we at the studio sure as fuck do. You’re gonna rewrite this entire episode, you hear me?? And you mind your languge, keep the characters simple and in character, and NO FUCKING METAFICTION!! This isn’t some passion project by the famous post-modern stadium rock band a truth called nothing, you know. This is more November Dreams. You better remember that, or we’re hiring another writer. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE BUDDY!!! Editor out.

(CONT)