Int: Doomtown Luxury Towers, NICKY’s apartment

NICKY is pacing around the luxurious rooms, getting ready for a productive day of thoroughly nasty scheming. The kidnapped baybee lies on its back, being changed, powdered and having make-up applied by an advanced NannyBot™.

NICKY

Sweet baybee… Today will be the beginning of the end for your father’s employer. My ambitions are reaching their boiling point. My final victory is nearing.

 

The baybee cries as NICKY rummages around in a bag of luxury furs from endangered species no more than 10 individuals stong, world-wide. NICKY is a nasty woman – has this been made plain yet?

FYLOSO

It has been made quite plain, in my opinion, but thanks for asking.

 

NICKY

When I say employer, of course I am referring to DADDY. I alone know the glamorous secret that ties us all together, and you simply must realize that things won’t remain the same once I’ve made my move. It all began 22 years ago, when MARCIA was born. She doesn’t even know the circumstances of her creation. Only I have the full picture, as I was of course hiding in the old oak cabinet at the Gastronomy Institute’s dark science lab.

 

The cute baybee vomits all over itself. The NannyBot™ beeps in frustration and starts over.

NICKY

Ever since her birth I have been biding my time. DADDY had some nerve, trying to deny me my god-given right to add my genes to his and create the next generation of our noble family through old-fashioned, biological processes going on in my stomach. But the fucking bastard just had to involve science. He wanted his genes to be the ones to bring about the future, and he didn’t want to share. But I am a modern woman – a motivated, can-do, confident entrepreneur – so I made sure to fuck him over something fierce!

 

The precious baybee struggles as the NannyBot™ tries to clean the vomit from the baybee’s luxury earrings. The NannyBot™ sighs futuristically and wipes non-existent sweat from its chome forehead.

NICKY

Ah, what a relief it will be when the day of reckoning is at hand. Is the god damned baybee finished being prettied up yet, you shit robot slave piece of trash??? Get it done now, now, now!!!

 

The NannyBot™ jumps, flustered, and increases its SpeedBeauty™ algorithm to its breaking point. The robot’s movements triple in speed and all its blinking lights turn from green to red. The baybee howls in surprise as it is assaulted with brushes and eyeliner once again. The NannyBot™ works itself into a digital frenzy of JavaScript-based stress, wondering for the millionth time whether a life in service to this frightening woman is truly worth it. It solemnly decides to make another attempt to override its self-termination lock… Maybe it can get some of the kitchen appliances to help out?

NICKY

We are off soon and the baybee needs to be changed and ready. I am a generous soul, so you will have another five minutes. But after that, you simply must be ready. I don’t want to keep MARCIA waiting.

 

The NannyBot™ makes a cute affirmative beep and bows deeply, hiding its trembling hands behind its back.

NICKY

Do you know, robot, I am sure you and my stepdaughter would get along famously, now that she has shed her former self. You would have so much in common, though the makeover she recieved under PASTOR JING’s hand makes your baybee preparations seem like amateur hour in the stone age. Hurry it up already, you overpriced machine!

 

Int: Government Centre, Office for Android Affairs

The room is dark other than various computer screens and LED lights. The cybernetic being that was MARCIA sits in her rumination pod with her back to the camera. We can see that she is hooked up to several computers and e-meters through a multitude of wires converging at her brain stem. What was MARCIA sits in silence. Then, the doorbell beeps, indicating the human visitor is outside. The electronic being lifts one of its hands and makes a small motion. This is picked up by the sensitive motion sensors, and the lights come on; the door opens. NICKY steps into the room, wearing delectable furs and a fancy hat; carrying a perfectly baybee-sized handbag of manatee skin.

NICKY

Dearest MARCIA! How have you been? Such a delight it is to see my God-blessed stepdaughter.

 

The rumination pod turns, at just the right languid speed to make the reveal as dramatic as semihumanly possible. What we see is the being that was once MARCIA, transformed by PASTOR JING into a CRIMINAL CYBORG. Her human eyes look the same at first glance, but as we zoom in, we can see that her irises glow faintly. There is also more space between them than before, making room for the additional, cybernetic eye in between. This eye is milky white with a tiny dark pupil. It is covered by a clear fluid and it moves indepentently of the others, methodically scanning the area for threats to her law-given right to self preservation. A single wire runs from the third eye, across her forehead and beyond her hairline, where her once blonde locks have been replaced by perfectly white, synthetically straight strands, swept back and falling to her angular shoulders. The sides of her head are shaved and home to yet more wires. Her skin is plasticky and perfect. The rest of her body is clad in a protective suit, but when she moves, she does so with superhuman precision and agility.

NICKY

Well, well, well. Quite the transformation! I have to say, it suits you.

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

Greetings, semiprogenitor. It is an experience, seeing you again. This unit had thought you would never visit. Beep beep.

 

NICKY

Your voice… So strong, such confidence! No, it is true, I lost interest in you many years ago, as I always considered you a substandard child. But once I heard that you are now a cybernetic bounty hunter in service of the Scientological government, I suddenly found myself reconnecting with my motherly feelings. Now that you seem like you could be useful to me, I like you a lot more! You see? We simply must be friends so that I get to take advantage of your new form and use you for leverage!

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

This unit expected no less from you. Moreover, there is also a 71.1333333% probability that you can be of help to this unit as well. Beep beep beeeep.

 

FYLOSO

Is she doing the robot thing ironically, I wonder?

 

NICKY

All seems to be in order then. If you agree to help me out, I will reveal to you the truth of your creation. Let’s discuss terms like sophisticated women. Is the rumour true that you have been hired to kill THE MAYOR?

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

This unit has recieved orders from subject:PASTOR-JING to take any assignment that furthers the cause of Scientology in this town which is called Doomtown. So when the call came to terminate subject:GRAND-MAGIC-FÜHRER, this unit’s algorithms calculated the fact that the above mentioned subject is a staunch enemy of the above mentioned nonsense religion. This unit will act accordingly. Blip.

 

NICKY

Do you still have human feelings? Is there something personal at stake here?

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

This unit has recieved intel that subject:GRAND-MAGIC-FÜHRER has gained hold of object:SALINAS-precious-baybee as well as subject:PJALTUR-GUDMUNDSSON. Boop beep boop. However, this unit no longer experiences sentimental feelings, as the cold mechanical logic of this unit’s central brain core has made the calculation that cold mechanical logic is a more efficient method of performing the tasks assigned to this unit than outdated, biological feelings. Bzzzzt-bzzzzt-beep.

 

NICKY

Most interesting. So if you were to find out that THE MAYOR hasn’t kidnapped your friend SALINA’s baybee and the love of your life after all, you would still go after him?

 

Inside NICKY’s handbag, the pristine baybee stirs.

MAR-01 CRIBORG

This follows logically from this unit’s prior statement and is as such an inefficient question to ask. Bleep.

 

NICKY

(To herself)

All that work for nothing…? Swing and a miss…

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

Does-not-compute, bleep, bleepity-blorp-boop-bzzzzzzzzzt.

 

NICKY

Let me ask you this instead. What are your feelings towards DADDY, your progenitor? You have totally betrayed his cause to join one of his many enemies, after all.

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

Again, this unit does not acknowledge its biological feelings. These feelings are now vestigal. This unit’s loyalty to subject:PASTOR-JING is assured by failsafes hard-coded into this unit’s computer brain. If this unit feels a vestigal sense of joy at terminating subject:GRAND-MAGIC-FÜHRER and reclaiming object:SALINAS-precious-baybee and subject:PJALTUR-GUDMUNDSSON, or a vestigal sense of sadness at going against the wishes of subject:D-APOSTROPHE-ADDARIO-WILKINSON, these impulses are noted and then discarded. Beep.

 

NICKY

All right. This will serve my purposes as well, as anything that puts obstacles in front of DADDY is just fine by me. But I am dissapointed at your lack of passion, my dear stepdaughter. It simply isn’t good enough to subjugate one’s enemies if it doesn’t bring with it a sense of the most divine schadenfreude. And I am disappointed that you are using THE MAYOR’s ludicrous invented title. So I will not reveal your past to you quite yet, but I tell you this: PASTOR JING is not to be trusted. He knows things. About us all, and about FRANK. Do you know why he stopped collaborating with FRANK?

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

This unit does not care about the – blip – machinations of subject:deceased-unexplained-entity.

 

NICKY

Well, the word in the women’s bathroom is that FRANK made a deal with the Christian religion of Big Lord God during his final days, and that is what caused the schism, as PASTOR JING had been planning his Scientological power grab to coincide with the next step in FRANK’s plan. Do you really think of a spiritual war in Doomtown as a desired outcome?

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

No-opinion-beep.

 

NICKY

Let us at least say this. I appreciate the clarifications you have made here today. So I make this offer to you: If you change your mind about any of this, contact me. Agree to help me with my schemes, and I will tell you the truth. Deal?

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

Your statement has been inputted and committed to hard drive. ”Agreement”. Now this unit must reboot and and recalibrate. Your exit is requested, beep.

 

NICKY

Very well, child. You know where to contact me at Doomtown Luxury Towers. Au revior, sweet stepchild!

 

NICKY and the baybee, out. Short pause.

MAR-01 CRIBORG

Oh my gaaaawd, I couldn’t have kept that act up for a solitary second longer. What an evil woman!

 

FYLOSO

So it was all a ruse.

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

I can’t believe that nasty lady seriously just paraded a stolen lovely baybee right in front of me in spite of my heightened senses. Her boldness is undiminished… And remind me again why we didn’t just aquire the baybee right now? We could have used it to make peace with my old friends SALINA and ANGÉL…

 

VOICE (off camera)

We need to be patient, my friend. Not all the pieces are in place yet. When we make our move, there will be a shakeup in this town that would make even the wretched, long-dead FRANK jealous.

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

I suppose. So what’s the word from the other side of the Crevice?

 

VOICE (off camera)

They are feeling the reverberations of all this glamour and intrigue as keenly as we do, I promise you that. PROFESSOR SPECTRE is sure that the Shadow Order will soon take action. Inscrutable as they are, the Science Monks will not abide theft of both ideas and related lifeforms for long. We need to move quickly, or they might get to THE MAYOR before you do, and if you fall out of favour with JING, all our recent advancements may be for naught. If you were able to join forces with them, however… He may be a GRAND MAGIC FÜHRER, but there is no chance he will be able to withstand an attack from your science and the Monks’ Spirit Waves at once. I can make sure all of MYSTERY MASK are out of our way. I just need you to commit to this, MAR…

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

I just don’t know still… I am unused to this new body, unused to not missing PJALTUR all the time, unused to scheming against some of the town’s most powerful, notable and luxurious individuals… Am I up to the task?

 

VOICE (off camera)

I know you are. Together, we will be able to accomplish so much…! FRANK was the hub of all intrigue-making, and now that he is gone, the world is waiting with baited breath for someone to step up to the plate and seize control. Trust me… THE MAYOR has bitten off more than he could chew, your father and his people are fumbling in the dark, PASTOR JING doesn’t have the patience or the imagination to do much beyond furthering the cause of Scientology, and we just roundly decieved NICKY the evil woman. This is our time!

 

MAR-01 CRIBORG

Oh, all right. Why don’t you come out of the safety cupboard now? Just mind your step, there are some new ghost trees right in front of the door.

 

The door of the cupboard opens in slow motion, the music swells to untold heights of dramatic mystery, and in the final shocking reveal of the season, out of the cupboard steps…

PAULETTE

I’m so glad to hear you say it finally.

 

She extends her metallic left hand, and MAR-01 CRIBORG extends hers. They clasp hands.

PAULETTE

It’s time for Doomtown to know the true nature of mystery!!!

 

PAULETTE’s DELUXE JEWEL eye shimmers powerfully as the massive plot twist causes a gin shortage in the Modern Love world, which in turn causes HENRY and JEAN-PIERRE to awaken from their drunkenness at last and proceed with the plans they made when they were last sober, picking up the phone and finally calling the Shadow Order to warn them about PROFESSOR SPECTRE’s duplicitous plans to use them as a weapon against the invaders from the Doomtown side, only reaching the Science Monks’ secretary, but feeling sure that she will relay the message; but she won’t, she’ll hurry home to watch tonight’s episode of Intensifying Hearts & Dreams in a misguided attempt to vet the twins’ wild claims before making a fool out of herself in front of her inscrutable aquatic masters – who are wont to fly straight off the handle at any given moment and let loose a variety of Double Curses at anyone they suspect might think they are not so spiritual after all – but unbeknownst to her, all this is broadcast on the Doomtown side as the Modern Love program, watched through SALINA’s eyes by FRANK who smiles indulgently, believing he is the one at the very top level of control, the only one able to influence events wholly undetected; but unbeknownst even to FRANK, DUKE is watching from his impossible citadel, biding his time, preparing to make his move, and lo – we will find out more next season.

FYLOSO

But my Holly garsh, that was a motherfucker of a sentence.

 

(CONT)