Ask Three Fellows, vol.9

How do you feel about the happy news that Her Most Risen Majesty Baroness Darjorie Doubletown-Spock of the Semi-Democratic Duchy of Provokia has finally released lovely photos of her brand-spanking-new baybee, the genetic future of her noble house, concieved upon her royal consort, Phil “Biggie” Bigge of the Luxembourgh Bigges?

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith, upperclass twit, British colonial enthusiast and part-time racist

vivianOh, jolly! It’s ever so jolly, old chap, when stalwart old chums bring such jolly, happy occasions. Biggie and yours truly were ever such fast friends, not to even mention the cricket, old chap! What a just smashing thing. And the common folk in the wide cabins are just as happy, I feel rather sure! Don’t let slip that I mentioned this, old chap, but second-cousin-once-removed Biggie and third-cousin-halfth-removed Vivvie made quite a jolly splash in the old rags, as it were! And for an not-quite-unspiffy penny, you ought to know. My dear semi-cousins were delighted to discover that several esteemed paper editors were so taken with the delightful news that they wanted to give rather largish donations to the old family cause in exchange for those lovely photos. What a world, old chap, what a world! Not to mention the cricket.



Dame Wendy Hoover – pensioner, oldest citizen of the parish of Sludgetown, lifetime subscriber to The Vestige Ladies’ Edition

dame.pngWell, dear, I suppose the photos made me smile a litte bit to myself. The little ones are rather sweet. But I can’t say that it made me reflect on the future of the nation, or experience any strong emotions, patriotic or otherwise. The truth is that one has reached an age where one has had rather a lot of babies displayed to oneself, mind. One shouldn’t be expected to find them all equally impressive after all these years of retroactively-proven duff ones.



Mystery Mask No. 10A – masked criminal, natural remedies afficionado, uncanny interloper

mysterymask.jpegHey man, you ya been? How you been I meant. Look, dude, man, all that about babies is all right. I remember those sticks humans use to scratch their backs, right, that’s because you’re used to having nails all your life, yeah, having them at the end of your fingers? And that’s why we make sticks to, like, do that, and produce them in factories and the like, see, it ties into Merchandise, Big Business, Big Money… I just had this feeling, bro, like we’re running into something big. Wanna decompress for a while, can I have a minute?


All right, brospanner, I’ve made peace with the Cosmic Zone now, braaaah… So I was saying about the sticks, well then, what about dogs, like explain dogs? I mean, ha ha ha, you can’t just go standing there thinking seriously that dogs would make sticks to scratch? Dogs can reach all over, like, well oiled machines. If dogs had production, they’d make tounges. Wait, were we talking about FBI the crime solving duders, or FBI the prog rock band? Anyway… dogs. So if they had factories, they’s put like fake tounges on the end of sticks, you get me? And you’d buy them to lick yourself, and you’d buy like a little device that makes the fake tounge wet again, you dig? Like a booster pack of, like, uh, doglike behaviour wetness and like hygiene, or pleasure, whatever… dogness. I have a couple different methods I use, dude. They’re gonna call the product “Dogness”. No, wait, better idea, bro… “Dogless”. Cause it’s, ha ha, ugh (…) So I spaced out, but you get it, right brother? Like the thing without the thing. 

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