So how did the world start out? How did it all begin – can anyone know? No, you can’t, but you can have an idea. Exactly how the universe started is obviously really hard to know for certain. The most kosher theory out there is, of course, the Big Bang. According to which the universe started from a dense hot mess of particles tugging against each other and then exploding all over space. Spectacular theory. So this sexually loaded theory accounts for the fact that the universe expands and provides explanations for a broad range of phenomena like cosmic microwaves, Hubble’s law and John Travolta’s inexplicable belief in Scientology.

But besides what the nerds in the science labs cooked up there are some much funkier creation theories out there. Let’s go into the Grand Lodge of the Masons of Truth and see what some of the Masons believe:

 

Jürgen von Etterlin und Senger, Aleister Crowley impersonator and H&M store manager. Ulm, Bayern.

• I go to Japan quite often and there I learned about an absolutely breathtaking story which I now subscribe to. It’s the ancient Japanese full sail story. With a big muscular happily bent fellow named Izanagi who penetrated the planet with his jewel encrusted spear and jizzed all over the west Pacific which created the Japanese islands we all know and love. Izanagi then went into a more heterosexual phase of his life and moved to Jizz Island together with a woman named Izanami, which he married (and yes, it’s the same island). While on Jizz Island they made sweet lovin’ and created even more islands. After a while Izunami had something of a miscarriage and gave birth to a ball of fire. Ah! As a consequence of this horrible birth she lost control of her bodily functions and gave birth to the gods of Feces, Vomit and – my personal favorite – Urine and – voila! – the universe was complete.

 

Andreas ‘der Hund’ Haus, Drugdealer and struggling proctologist. Arusha, Tanzania.

• I believe in the story of Joff as it was promoted by those geniuses active in the old church village back home by the old lake. What’s it about? Uh, it’s about a lot of stuff. Uh, yeah I guess mostly though… I think… I think… You know, a lot of it is about Joff driving around the cosmos firing on the edge of emptiness to expand the universe. It’s awesome.

 

 

Angus Old – Psychiatrist and sheep surgeon, the big black plain Australian outback.

• I believe God created the world in six days. Then he rested for one day.