In recent events, an unknown person leaked enormous amounts of documents – pertaining to primarily off-shore companies – to the German daily Süddeutsche Zeitung. The newspaper then partnered with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists. The documents revealed, with a spectacularly high level of detail, the dodgy schemes of the criminals and tax-evaders.

You might ask, “dodgy – isn’t that taking it a bit far?” Well, to a certain extent the Masons believe that is a fair description: One rarely sets up trusts, shell-companies and bank accounts in funky island jurisdictions on the other side of the world if you don’t got something to hide, eh? Island jurisdictions made up of fishermen and sheepfarmers – jurisdictions which embarrassingly commonly tend to be connected to the non-funky British commonwealth and the City of London. Who are we kidding, it’s obviously not the sheep farmers of Jersey or the fishermen of the Cayman Islands who organize these trusts and shell companies. It’s bankers, lawyers, and accountants connected to the City of London. Oh right, the City of London is a district in London with somewhat special rules. Among other things corporations can vote. Sometimes others are involved, this time it was the Panamanian law firm, Mossack Fonseca, who appeared when some unknown hero shone a light upon this rectum of civilization.

But who are we to judge? Let’s ask some – surprise, surprise – members of the Masons of Truth why they use off-shore shell companies.

 

 

David Cameron – Prime Minister of Great Britain, tax dodger, and pigfucker.

I genuinely believe that I, a proud British upper class fluffer, don’t have to contribute to society to the same extent as any random lowly citizen. What would that look like? It wouldn’t exactly seem proper to my exalted twit friends to be seen as being on the same level as any common dolts.

 

 

Joaquin ”El Chapo” Guzman – international drugboss, moped driver, and tiny person

The products my company, The Sinaloa Cartel, market – drugs – are not legal in a lot of places. They’re not legal in any place really. Except perhaps Portugal where at least they’re not illegal. The best thing about off-shore shell structures is that you can funnel cash from the sales of our lucrative product to stable power base few governments can touch. You know, it’s hard to move large amount of cash. If every bank followed the anti-money laundering rules of the western nations it would be sheer hell to be a multi-millionaire drug king-pin. I mean, do you know how much space a million bucks take? You can’t have that stuff lying around. It would be impossible to run this sort of thing. And it would be c-h-a-o-s. People would kill each other over that cash trying to get to it. And I like to keep that sort of behavior isolated to promoting my business. Thank you HSBC for facilitating practical solutions for funneling our cash into our off-shore structures.

If you want to be an international drug king, you need readily available monetary resources for all sorts of stuff: I need to maintain an enormous supply chain stretching from South America to Wall Street; I need to bribe huge amounts of Mexican cops and politicians; and I need to maintain my formidable lifestyle (spoiler: not cheap!) So much money!!! PHEEW I get tired just talking about it.

For this and so many other things, from the bottom of my coke-fueled heart, I thank the lawyers of Mossack Fonseca and other sketchy folks maintaining the off-shore havens! A special hallelujah is extended to HSBC for enabling the tiresome logistics with transforming cash to power! Cheers!

 

 

The Unknown African Leader

Salute, my dear brethren, I’m sure you are well under God. I don’t dare to say my name. I would get lynched!!! My relationship with off-shore structures? You know, sweetheart, it would be impossible for me to maintain my glamorous lifestyle for me and my family and my mistresses. We would not be able to fly to Dubai and Paris and London and piss away money on luxury nonsense without these awesome structures. There’s no banking infrastructure to bring relief to my soul by supporting my rampant kleptocracy in my home country – there is not such a blessing in most African countries for that matter. We need to join hands with the islands in British Commonwealth and the blessed professional service firms in the City of London, Panama and other places. How would we otherwise be able to translate the great riches in diamonds and oil of our Godly country to shopping sprees in Dubai? It would be impossible. I am utterly grateful to the diligent working bees of our former colonial masters making my heavenly existence possible! This is important, as the work we are involved in requires maximum devotion to the Lord and freedom from distractions of normal life. This way, we can do our duty to our countrymen, rob them blind and ensure a successful future (for me). I send my warmest regards to you and your family on this day!