Int: The Crystal Palace, tickle chamber

PENELOPE is sitting at the lab table reading documents pertaining to marine biology, a bucket of multicoloured, gyrating tentacles by her side. She furrows her brow in contemplation of these difficult matters. LEO enters from the Yellow Gardens with a tray of new samples, which wriggle about sleepily. They have the build of large shrimp, but the texture of salmon and each has a beak, a horn and a pair of vestigal wings.

LEO

Latest haul from PROFESSOR SPECTRE. Do you have time to take a look at these?

 

PENELOPE

Oh, LEO, my second cousin, can you not see that I am already working on three separate samples? If PROFESSOR SPECTRE is in a hurry to get these seen to, he can always have a word with my new boyfriend, MARVIN MASON. I have taught him all I know about this culinary stuff.

 

LEO

I think it has to be you, though. You just have a way with these things. Because of your studies in the Tropic Forest, I imagine. Will you have a quick look at least? Here, take a gander at this spry fellow.

 

He hands her one of the strange creatures.

PENELOPE

Why my personal involvement is required in approving the meanest little hypersonic jellyfish when there are more qualified and astute pastry chefs coming out of the drainpipes here, I’ll never know. How is it with you then, little fella?

 

She turns the sample over. It wags its various appendages.

PENELOPE

No, you know what, LEO? I’ve had it for today. It is past three in the afternoon and I’m here doing unpaid work for God knows what reason. I’ll take myself to the bar, PROFESSOR SPECTRE be damned. These shrimp things will have to survey themselves for now.

 

She nonchalantly drops the animal in the green-grey pool that replaces what would have been the northeast side of the floor. It swims around in a circle haphazardly.

LEO

You are every bit the foremost lady gastronomer in this great nation of Antimerica. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, at the Breakfast Expedition?

 

PENELOPE

Would that you didn’t remind me… Later dude.

 

PENELOPE out.

Int: Club Latecomers

PENELOPE enters and walks up to the bar. Seated at the bar are HENRY and JEAN-PIERRE.

PENELOPE

Hello, boys. Nice to see you getting along.

 

HENRY

What else are we supposed to do since we found out that we’re secretly identical twins? Family is important.

 

PENELOPE

I still can’t believe you didn’t know.

 

JEAN-PIERRE

Of course you would say that, but since everyone thought it was obvious, no one told us. If you’ll remember, I spent my childhood with my head locked in the Oversurveyors’ Helm of Secrecy, for tax reasons. I didn’t see my own face until my eighteenth birthday, nor did anyone else.

 

HENRY

And if you recall, when he turned 18 I was out of town, getting my own gastronomical schooling from the ancient shadow order of Science Monks in the Tropic Forest.

 

JEAN-PIERRE

And surely I don’t need to tell you about the storm of hyperindigo lightwaves that has plauged us from around the time HENRY came back, to just a week ago? How were we supposed to be able to recognize each other when every other visual input got rerouted to completely random debate programs on the radio?

 

On the TV display above the bar, the neo-surrealist double drama ”Intensifying Hearts & Dreams” is playing. The heroine is in the middle of a steamy love scene.

PAULETTE (on TV)

Oh, MAYOR! This pleasure is quite a ways above average! I tremble with delight!

 

PENELOPE

Well of course the indigo storm was troublesome. One moment, you’re looking at biological lifeforms such as flowers or cats; and suddenly, without warning, you’re looking at the sound of the Political Commentary on the Political Commentary Bureau’s Ray Sawyer debating Pat Carakaa from the Brotherhood of Evil Capitalists regarding proper financial hygiene, on some dingy radio station. I get that. But you both have the same parents and you grew up in the same house – wouldn’t that have been a clue that you’re brothers?

 

HENRY

These things aren’t as simple as people want to make them. Our parents are deeply eccentric social scientists, remember. There was no point in our childhood when we weren’t subjected to bizzare scenarios to test our minds and abilities. Our identities were kept secret from each other, we were encouraged to fight to have the other ousted from our inheritance, I was told he was an android servant and he was told I was a Jehovas’ Witness who came by every day, attempting to bless the family with the sacred gift of tax exemption. All of this was part of a 25-year experiment on the basis of the human mind.

 

THE MAYOR (on TV)

Boy howdy, PAULETTE, you are a fine filly. You are free to a 25% discount at THE MAYOR’S MUNCH HOUSE for as long as you’re willing to provide sexual services such as these – ungh – to me! You’ll like it even more – ah – since I introduced my zero-tolerance policy on invisible cheese.

 

PAULETTE (on TV)

Sweet of you, but we both – ahn – know what you really want. (Gasp) You want to take off this eyepatch and have a go in my eyesocket.

 

THE MAYOR (on TV)

How – angh – how did you know?

 

PENELOPE

That’s all very well. But if you believed each other to be a robot and a Jehovas, why would it make sense for you to fight over your parents’ inheritance all these years? Why would you believe the other to be in the running?

 

JEAN-PIERRE

What HENRY neglected to tell you is that we also weren’t made aware who our parents were. We knew they lived in the house, but at any time there were at least two decoy mothers and fathers, and so we were encouraged to try to work out which ones to curry favor with. It all got muddled up in our youthful minds, as our parents knew it would, and here we are. 25 years of fighting over the will, and now we have finally joined forces to take down our parents. We have enlisted DR. ZEITGEIST to use his famous poisonous water pistols against them.

 

HENRY

We are planning the final operation now, and it all depends on what our parents will use to counterattack. If they reach for their sentient, radioactive catapults, we might be in trouble.

 

PAULETTE (on TV)

I just – ugh – have a sense for these things. But if want – oh – full access like that, a discount on fictional food won’t do. I’d want to – auuu – take a look at those DELUXE JEWELS…

 

THE MAYOR (on TV)

Hell-God-baby-damn it, what? I thought you were in this – oi – for love, happiness and all those spe- haaao – specia- uuuuhd – special things, girl!

 

PENELOPE

I feel ever more as if I dodged a bullet when you left me to go after the inheritance, JP. Will one of you studs buy me a drink?

 

JEAN-PIERRE

Bully for you. And no. As PROFESSOR SPECTRE’s favored student, you make more in a week than we do together in a month and a half.

 

The love scene on TV has ended and the characters are relaxing.

PAULETTE (on TV)

Well, if you’re good to me, I’ll even throw in the story of how I lost my eye as a bonus. Come now, little friend, won’t you bring out the JEWELS?

 

THE MAYOR (on TV)

Even if I wanted to, I coudn’t. The JEWELS aren’t here anymore. If you’re gonna be sweet with me again I might just go and whisper the secret in your ear… If only to spite that bastard FRANK.

 

PAULETTE (on TV)

What is even your beef with FRANK, anyway?

 

THE MAYOR (on TV)

Well first of all he’s allied with DADDY, my arch enemy and biggest competition on the culinary scene. Also I believe they’re in the pocket of the Committee, who are manipulating them to their own hypocritical ends. Add his danged reality-altering tendencies and you got yourself a tough hombre to deal with!

 

PENELOPE

What on earth is this bullshit they’re showing on the telly these days? BARKEEP, will you switch to the Sport Channel?

 

BARKEEP

Sure thing, sweetheart.

 

The BARKEEP swithes channels to the Sport Channel. There, SALINA ”THE ROOSTER” RASKOVA is talking animatedly about the sports, waving her arms around.

SALINA (on TV)

Wow what a splendid fucking match we just had, what a rush! I think our boys can get all da ways to da big gold medal if we all clap real hard, guys! It’s so exciting with sweaty men who run back and forward all of the times. It is so delightful! Now we go to my interview with BRANDON BRANSON big sport star.

 

PENELOPE

BARKEEP, give me a drink big and strong enough to make this woman bearable. I’m in the sport zone for the long haul now. Let’s make a night of it, fellows!

 

HENRY

Fine, whatever.

 

SALINA (on TV)

So BRANDON how was it on the match?

 

BRANDON (on TV)

Uh, you watched it, didn’t you? Our team won.

 

SALINA (on TV)

Yeh big congraturationas! How did you manage to accormplished this big success??

 

BRANDON (on TV)

Well, you know, we basically kicked the ball over to the other side more often than the other team kicked it over to our side.

 

SALINA (on TV)

So I take it you’re stratergy is to make more goals than the oppositing team?

 

BRANDON (on TV)

Yeah, that’s a major strategy. Our coach, COACH BOBBY, has really done a great job in convincing us that this is the proper way to do things.

 

SALINA (on TV)

Wow, we are relly getting the inside scoop! On how the sport stratergy is made!! The next question from me is how is it on your physical condition? The muscles and legs and whatnot.

 

BRANDON (on TV)

I feel like I’m in peak physical condition. Sometimes you don’t feel too good about your muscles and things, so you can’t kick the ball far enough, but right now I feel like my muscles are up to the task of kicking the ball. And then it’s all about doing it more often than the other guys.

 

SALINA (on TV)

So much differinting stratergys and complexed thinking on the sports! How is it with the team member, I mean, you all be get’s along in da locker room huh??

 

BRANDON (on TV)

I feel like this team is very good and tight-knit. We know each others’ strenghts on the field, like in the first inning of this match when PODDY took a dive to the left and I was able to, uh, I guess able to kick the ball. Then when we went sudden death in the offside overtime, on the sports court, we knew we could win.

 

SALINA (on TV)

Wowza! Now how’s about this rumour that there is a new sponsor’s of your team that has ties to RUSSIAN OLIGARCHY?? Huh?

 

BRANDON (on TV)

I don’t respond to nasty rumours at this time.

 

The interview continues. PENELOPE has fallen asleep after half a drink. Hold camera on HENRY and JEAN-PIERRE as they exchange a significant look. Then: dramatic slow motion as the perspective shifts and we see: standing behind JEAN-PIERRE and HENRY, ready to strike, is MARVIN MASON – PENELOPE’s dangerous yakuza boyfriend! Scene end.

(CONT)