Would you vote for…
Jesus Josefson, carpenter, triple-schizophrenic, freelance saviour and magical wizard
…this candidate, mr. Donald Trump? I have been following his political career closely, for I am the light and the glory. I would point out some things, blessed readers, that I have found interesting in my sacredness. First off, mr. Trump wishes to erect a wall to keep out the people of Mexico and to restrict entry into his fine country from people of the most unblessed Muslim faith. Now, you might think that these things are needlessly stringent, but here I disagree, for the meek shall inherit the earth. In fact it is only necessary to protect people of the true faith, as my sacred father is a jealous God. The Muslim will not be allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven to sit by the side of me and my Father unless he convert to the true faith, and so, I have no real issue with mr. Trump not wanting to seat them by His side either. The Mexicans are another more subtle matter. They are by and large a fine, godly folk. But it behooves me to point out in my mercy that they are mostly Catholic. I am the Protestant Christ. My lazy good-for-nothing brother, the Catholic Christ, may extend blessings to them, but in truth, I do not, for I am the power and the grace. So I think the wall could be fine and in accordance with sacred Law as long as mr. Trump still keeps a door open for the Protestant Mexican, blessed adherent to my Father who is a just God. Next, mr. Trump has brought up the difficult and complex matter of possibly using nuclear weapons to further the name and glory of my Father (I assume that’s what he wants to do with them, anyway). Again, the slack-jawed Secular Christian will expect me to codemn such an action. However, I do not bring peace. I being discord and war. I encourage one and all to carry a sword to advance the agenda of me and my Dad when necessary, and surely the nuke is the sharpest sword available on the global battlefield, for life is verily a battlefield where the bounty is the blessed human soul. So that is also fine. There are some other worldly details about mr. Trump’s campaign that have given some people pause – for example his rampant and obvious racism. I see this as an ecumenical matter, however. My Father is a non-interventionist God, and I aim to follow in his holy footsteps when I grow up, so I will leave this for you to condemn or accept. I am the light and the glory. Would I vote for him then in my wisdom? No, I will not, and I will tell you why. Mr. Trump wants to lower taxes for the very rich and the suicidal capitalists. This is obnoxious to me, for the rich shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and the glorious blessing of tax exemption needs to remain the exclusive privilege of the church. I say to you, it makes no sense that the ultra rich should be spared from taxation! Obviously it is reasonable for religions – vast institutions wielding immense political, social and ideological power – to not have to contribute to society. That seems most fair in the eyes of me and Daddy! But if rich people got this blessing as well, the holiness of the church would be diminished. And this is foul, and thus, I will verily not vote for mr. Trump. I am the light and the glory.
Ronald Reagan, ghost, former President of the United States and subject of conservative political pundits’ masturbation dreams
… a candidate who’s more beholden to our No 1 enemy since the life and times of Uncle Joe (oh, that dastardly Josef Stalin) than his own people and country? A man who has been kept in business by Russian oligarchs for the last 15 years? A man who, in addition, cheers said country on to hack his political opponents’ e-mails. Just after that country hacked his opponent party’s e-mail servers. A country so enthusiastic about the prospects of a Manchurian candidate at the helm of their arch-nemesis. A Manchurian candidate that’s been applauding every single thing that keeps the Robber-barons of Russia in the clear. Cheering on the division of EU, not supporting our NATO allies, not exactly condemning the Crimea annexation, and not fucking knowing the consequences of nuclear weapons. Jesus, how can this fucking clown even be considered for any serious position? You know, in addition it’s not exactly far fetched to assume that if you spend time with Russian, Azerian and Ukrainian oligarchs; you will get the impression that the proper way forward is repression against press, companies and regular people who disagree with you. He can’t take criticism and he does not know the basic facts about anything. A stupid unfit individual, with deep connections with our arch enemy; who can’t understand the ultimate dangers of nuclear warfare!? Is he the most unfit person to run for president in the history of our country? Fuck yeah. If I were still President (and alive) I would lock him up for treason! Fuck yeah! Would I vote for him? Absolutely goddamn fucking not. I say America bring down this demagogue!
George ”if there’s more trade” W ”there’s more commerce” Bush. Election cheater, worst-president-ever record holder and amateur painter
…for someone who advocates assassinating political opponents and judges? No, that is completely unacceptable. The problem behind it is the rhetoric we see with my party friends claiming it’s open season on democrats. In a way it’s not particularly hard to understand Trump’s rise when all you’ve heard on right-wing media like Fox has been that black mexican gay muslim atheist terrorists are invading this country and will steal your jobs, rape your wife and eat hummus in your car. When you present a narrative that describes your political opponents as terrorists and traitors combined with presenting maps with cross hairs, “although the Second Amendment people — maybe there is [something you uniquely can do about it], I don’t know.” and that you need to target these “traitors“, it ain’t surprising when shit goes bad. And no, it is only in my party you’ll find this rhetoric. There’s no equivalence. And he’s a better fit for jail than the Oval Office.