Hi, I’m Ray Sawyer and I know there’s been a lot going on. You might think this has to be about Director Comey finding new Hillary mail among Weiners dick-picks? That is, sadly for Rs (and conspiracy leftys), not the case. What I want want – nay, need!!! – to say is: I want to officially apologize to all Republicans for not being able to supply you with all Donald Trump DEALBREAKERS!!!. It is simply too much, which ironically is a DEALBREAKER!!! in itself. In fact, it might just be the ultimate DEALBREAKER!!!: if your preferred candidate brings so many DEALBREAKERS!!! you can’t keep up with them, it’s a giant goddamn motherfucken’ DEALBREAKER!!!
So far Donald Trump has produced some 50 DEALBREAKERS!!! according to our research. I don’t even think we’ve managed to publish them all. A DEALBREAKER!!! is something which IN ITSELF (exclusively and individually) disqualifies someone for the highest office in the United States of America. And, I mean, our DEALBREAKERS!!! aren’t even all of it, there’s even more. You can find a mighty big number of completely disqualifying actions here… This walking bankruptcy is a bottomless pit of disqualifying matter. What has this doughy comb-over Mussolini wannabe not done? From arguing dick size at a national debate and suing talk show hosts for breach of contract when they joke you’re the spawn of an orangutan, to just recently: suing the nation’s premier newspaper for publishing a factually accurate piece on you or for saying you’re going to fuck a girl in a couple of years when she is ten. Yes that happened. And since we can’t keep up with all the DEALBREAKERS!!! we haven’t even gotten around to his practice of encouraging riots, devaluing the process of democracy as well as actively and maliciously dividing this country on no better grounds that his own profit. Jesus almighty, where do you find the arguments?
I’m sorry Republicans for not being able to keep track of every disqualifying thing this man says or does. The only mitigating factor here is that neither can Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan or Reince Priebus and an embarrassingly high number of ranking Rs. Because if they had, they could impossibly still stand by this person.
But please, dear R in favor of Donald Know-Nothing: We encourage you to give us your best arguments so we might be persuaded otherwise. Because if you don’t, there’s some 20 odd states right now which are looking like insane-asylum-country from the outside – where voting Republican is clearly more important than sanely informing yourself about the world. I simply don’t want that to be true. It might be. But I don’t want it to. So please: WHY???
Signing off, Ray Sawyer. Political commentator, patriot and currently very disillusioned human being.