Int: The Intensifying Heart Club, at a table in the VIP section

DADDY and NICKY are seated at the table, opposite two empty chairs. DADDY is speaking on the phone with DR. ADAMSON.

DADDY

Yes, got it. All right, see you in a few.

 

He hangs up.

DADDY

They got a bit jammed in traffic, but they’ll be here in ten minutes or so.

 

NICKY

It will have to do, I suppose. Certainly in my time we kept our appointments, and even all these years later I’m still very cautious around this supposed doctor “friend” of yours. Also, what kind of waiters do you employ here? How long am I supposed to wait for a simple drink?

 

DADDY

Take it easy, dear. It’s not as if we’re in any particular hurry. They’ll be here soon. In the meantime, shall we discuss our crumbling marriage?

 

NICKY

Speak for yourself, D’ADDARIO. This marriage is just fine. Just because we haven’t seen each other in eleven years, you must’nt think you have any right whatsoever to ignore me or deny my what is mine by law. I expect you to show utter devotion to me in public.

 

DADDY

I wish you would at least tell me why you left, and where you’ve been.

 

NICKY

You have no right to ask me impertinent questions after what you did to me.

 

DADDY

Of course I understand, but if we are to mend bridges…

 

NICKY

Mend nothing. You will simply do as I tell you. Keep your opinions and questions to yourself.

 

DADDY

I see.

 

An uncomfortable silence settles like new-fall’n snow.

The silence continues.

Still the silence goes on.

And once again, the silence falls, re-settles, and lingers powerfully, like a mist pulled together from the dust upon the mixing desks of a thousand succumb’d record companies.

The silence goes on.

DADDY

Oh, they’re here!

 

Stepping through the door are a windswept DR. ADAMSON and his enemy-companion, the dangerously beautiful tax examiner POLLYANNA. Several years his junior, she laughingly teases the old man of his grumpy fatigue.

DR. ADAMSON

Sorry we’re late, friends. This snow has the traffic in quite a state. May I introduce POLLYANNA, a qualified government agent who is currently helping me sort out the faulty paperwork at the Institute, which my wretched employees messed up when I was in the bathroom. POLLY, these are my oldest friends, D’ADDARIO who is called DADDY, chief of the Club; and his lovely wife, MONIQUE who is called NICKY. It has been too long!

 

POLLYANNA

Hello all! How nice to meet you, ELI has told me so much about you.

 

DADDY

Delighted! If the good DOCTOR allows you to call him by his given name, I can’t imagine you are as draconian as the rumours would claim.

 

NICKY

Be silent, D’ADDARIO. Now, young woman, you simply must tell us all about your work, especially as it pertains to the embarrasing failings of DR. ADAMSON!

 

DR. ADAMSON

Play nice, NICKY, you know such matters are strictly confidential. May I say, you look just as lovely as you did eleven years ago.

 

NICKY

Spare me your flattery. Surely she can at least divulge how the work is going on a general level?

 

POLLYANNA

I’d be happy to.

 

DR. ADAMSON sweats and pulls at his shirt collar.

POLLYANNA

It’s a very complicated job, to be sure. I struggle to understand how such administrative arrangements could arise without the director’s knowledge, but of course I wouldn’t overtly question the morality of such an established pillar of society as the good DOCTOR!

 

She elbows DR. ADAMSON smilingly. NICKY laughs cruelly.

NICKY

Say no more, my new friend, say no more!

 

The party’s drinks arrive.

NICKY

Now that’s enough light-hearted pleasure banter. I want the full rundown on our young associates. Tell me now, now, now!!!

 

DADDY

Easy, easy! Can we at least order our food first? I’d like two doublesize steaks, fresh meat please, with a side of zebra ribs and three glasses of foaming, ice cold beer!

 

POLLYANNA

Oh, that sounds divine! I will also take two of the same steaks, but hold the zebra meat. Instead, I’d like four of your most luxurious cigars as a side, and only two glasses of foaming, ice cold beer. A girl needs to diet, stay healthy and watch her figure after all.

 

DR. ADAMSON

I would like the Club Special, please. And some single malt with mountain dew, on the rocks, to wash it down.

 

DADDY

Ah, the old Club Special, after my own recipe… A fine choice.

 

NICKY

The Club Special, really… You must be extraordinarily gluttonous. My stomach will turn from watching you gorge yourself. For myself, I’ll only make a small order as I had a rather hefty lunch. You simply must bring me only one steak, extra bloody – by which I mean almost raw – and a side of just a couple of deluxe hamburgers with extra everything, some porridge, marshmallows, chicken wings, and blueberries. No alcohol for me, so you’ll bring me zebra milk to drink. And I’ll also need some champagne, some cocaine, and some sausages! You’ll do it now and bring me the food before the other peoples’ orders! Quickly, quickly, quickly!!!

 

The waiter nods sagely and hurries off to do their bidding in the kitchen.

NICKY

Now talk. What has become of that wretched child, ANGÉL GABRIÉL?

 

DADDY

Well. That is an interesting topic of conversation, I suppose. ANGÉL grew up into a man during these eleven years we’ve been apart, as young men all over the world are known to do. He married a girl named SALINA and fathered a healthy baybee upon her.

 

NICKY

Really, you say… I will believe it when I see it. My intention was always to groom ANGÉL into a replacement husband, as I expect you will die before me, D’ADDARIO.

 

She laughs at her own cruel joke. POLLYANNA glances questioningly at DR. ADAMSON. He shakes his head subtly and blinks twice, as if to say, “remember we talked about this in the car on the way here? This is normal”.

DADDY

You will have to get used to the idea that ANGÉL is no longer your teenaged errandboytoy, but a family man whose employer is me! He has served FRANK and myself very well. Also, you should know… PAULETTE is currently in town.

 

NICKY

Will you talk about one thing at a time like a civilized person??? Yes, I’ve heard rumours that FRANK is still alive. How that wretch hasn’t been run out of town, I’ll never understand, but to find out he’s collaborating with you gents??? Disgraceful. You simply must bring me to meet him. As for PAULETTE, who cares. She is less than nothing. Now, tell me more about ANGÉL’s family. Now!

 

DR. ADAMSON

They are just living the normal family life. Please, NICKY, can’t we talk about something more general? POLLY is being left out here.

 

POLLYANNA

Oh, don’t worry about me! I’m having a wonderful time. There’s nothing quite like an awkward dinner scene between old friends, even if only one of them happens to be mine!

 

She winks at DR. ADAMSON.

NICKY

Very good, so tell me more already!!!

 

DADDY

(Sigh)

Well… You remember my old daughter, MARCIA?

 

NICKY

Ah, yes. I was never fond of that wilful child and her ways.

 

DADDY

Yes, my love, I remember quite well. You’ll also recall the rage you felt when the common folk assumed she was your child?

 

The discussion is interrupted as the party’s food arrives.

NICKY

Ah, finally!!! I will make an official complaint with the owner about how long I’ve been forced to wait!

 

DADDY

Your complaint is, as always, noted, dear…

 

There is a montage of the group scarfing down their food without speaking, clanging their glasses of beer together and sharing the expensive cigars POLLYANNA ordered. Afterwards…

DADDY

Ah, that was good! Refreshing good food!

 

POLLYANNA

Yes, my sincere compliments! ELI has been hyping this place since I arrived, and it did not disappoint at all!

 

NICKY

I have had much better food several times in my life, but I suppose it will do. Now I am going to the toilet. POLLYANNA, you simply must accompany me!

 

POLLYANNA

Who am I to refuse? We’ll be right back.

 

They get up and walk towards the women’s bathroom. POLLYANNA lobs a disgusted glance at NICKY behind her back, making sure DR. ADAMSON notes this. He smiles in appreciation.

Int: the Intensifying Heart Club, in the women’s bathroom

NICKY and POLLYANNA exit their stalls and strike up a conversation at the washing sinks. NICKY mists herself with The BOF Toi-Cleanse toilet cleaner – Your Citrus Freshness for Toilet Hygiene Every Day!

NICKY

By God, these men are useless. You simply must agree, mustn’t you?

 

POLLYANNA

Well, I find the DOCTOR enjoyable in many ways, I have to say. He’s elegant, thoughtful, erudite… not the worst company one could have at all.

 

NICKY

I suppose. What are your plans for him?

 

POLLYANNA

To be honest, we could easily shut him down right now if we wanted. But I don’t find that by-the-book stuff very charming. I think I’ll string him along, possibly bed him, and then we’ll see what happens. I enjoy improvisation. How about you? Clearly you have some reason for returning to Doomtown after such a long vacation.

 

NICKY

My reasons are mine alone. You heard them mention ANGÉL GABRIÉL? Well, I used to have a sweet finger in that boy’s special place. And now, apparently he and his wife are about to launch some ludicrous attack upon me, using D’ADDARIO’s faulty daughter against me. The silly apes believe that I am the mother! What a joke. I’m going to play along, and then sink them. That’s two birds with one stone – a few of my husbands allies rendered harmless, and I’ll gain hold of their precious baybee as well!

 

POLLYANNA

My goodness, but you’re completely iniquitous, aren’t you?

 

NICKY

Ha!!! I have been scorned, and now I’m taking my fair, God-promised revenge. No?

 

POLLYANNA

So, who is really MARCIA’s mother?

 

NICKY

My husband is not man enough to father a child in the natural way. His stupid daughter was created in one of the Gastronomy Institute’s labs, under the science of your paramour ADAMSON! I’m told he used a robotic womb to do the job. There is a dark secret involved, I hear, but I have not been able to suss out the details yet. It’s a sinful, bloody affair…

 

Int: back at the VIP table

DADDY

(Groaning)

I need some fucking morphine…

 

DR. ADAMSON

What a situation we’ve landed in. Assaulted on two fronts. We ought to call the coast guard.

 

DADDY

We need to call FRANK, for starters. If I’m reading between the lines correctly, the situation is millimetres from escaping our control.

 

DR. ADAMSON

I wish we could, but he still hasn’t come out of his Gastronomically induced, spiritual coma. I wish I had known we would end up here when FRANK asked me to put him under. I could have-

 

DADDY

-done nothing to stop him. You know FRANK, he does what he does and we are all dancing to his tune.

 

DR. ADAMSON

Morphine it is, then. Shall we move over to the bar? If we can’t deal with these ladies in a semi-sober state, perhaps Lord Dionysus can offer a hand.

 

DADDY

Yes, let’s. But keep your wits about you, old friend. Refrain from getting too fond of your little bedeviler…

 

DR. ADAMSON

I might say the same to you, but then, that would not really be in the cards unless you’ve had a lobotomy I wasn’t aware of. Come on, then.

 

DADDY

Let’s move before NICKY comandeers all in her sight again.

 

They get up and walk over to the bar. The women emerge from the bathroom at the same time.

NICKY

Ah, time to stuff yourselves with booze and idle the night away like stupid little losers? What a surprise, not!

 

DADDY

For Christ’s sake, woman, you-

 

DR. ADAMSON

Here are some drinks. Let’s all be friends, eh?

 

NICKY

I suppose. So you mentioned PAULETTE… What of her uncle? I have often thought about that so-called pastor, JERRY JING, and his ways. Still keeping him on a short leash?

 

DADDY

PASTOR JING has been working with us, yes, but he’s currently gone awol. If any of you hear from him, you need to call me immediately. He is tied up in a number of plans that are fast approaching their D-day. Even you, NICKY, must let me know at once if he gets in touch.

 

POLLYANNA

You simply must!

 

POLLYANNA rolls her eyes and smiles at DR. ADAMSON. He looks back at her with mounting affection. Meanwhile, NICKY is already quite drunk, and has mellowed her temper out. The conversation continues. On the TV display above the bar, the soap opera ”Modern Love” is playing. The excentric scientist is in the middle of a flustered lecture.

PROFESSOR SPECTRE (on TV)

-which is not professional Gastronomical behaviour at all. In this example, what was the mistake? Can anyone in the audience answer? Well, never mind, I’ll answer myself. You don’t release unsurveyed samples into the public, even less into completely different publics. You may think you know your marine lifeforms, but unless you have done your due diligence, it is highly irresponsible to part with any higher-level creatures before they have been cleared by, and I really must stress this, BOTH your local Gastronomical establishment, AND the Shadow Order. I understand that you must all have your youthful enthusisasm – and that is often a positive thing, mind you! – which makes it seem like a hassle to send your samples all the way over to the Tropic Forest, but it is of VITAL scientific importance that the Science Monks, and no lesser experts, have their say about any lifeforms intended to be used by the common folk. We have these checks and balances in place for a reason, namely that travel through Indigospace can warp the wellbeing of Gastronomical lifeforms in ways which are difficult to predict, and only the Shadow Order has the innate ability to make qualified decisions about this, since the Monks themselves are, as you all know, marine lifeforms. Never ever, ever, ever think you can truly know these creatures or communicate with them in a bilateral way. No matter how well you think you know your beings, they won’t understand what you say on the same level as you do, and you won’t understand them on ANY level, in most cases! And the mess they can cause if not properly surveyed would boggle your minds, students. We’re talking about earthquakes, drunkenness, voodoo, spiritistic revaluation, orange juice shortages, spontaneous alterations of the SPIRIT VOID that lies between our world and the next…

 

(CONT)