humor

DEALBREAKERS!!!

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Special Medical Doctor edition

lonelysmallhandsDonald Trump hilariously got his doctor to write a note to school that said, of course, he was the healthiest man alive. Yes, this is true. And it is so badly written you have to sit down when you read it. Highlights include “laboratory test were astonishingly excellent” and “His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary” and, the grand prize, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” All this is obviously ridiculous and utterly unworthy a candidate for the presidency of the United States. Continue reading →

Excerpt from “Intensifying Hearts & Dreams”, season 17, episode 29

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Int: Swirling dreamscape

We are inside FRANK‘s green-grey dream. FRANK himself is floating slightly above the ground, spinning slowly in a circle. His face is fixed in a sadistic grin and never moves during the entire sequence, even when he is speaking.

FRANK

Hode, humb, middle my sums…

 

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Excerpt from ”Modern Love” – season 376, episode 44,257

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modernlove

Int: The Crystal Palace, tickle chamber

PENELOPE is sitting at the lab table reading documents pertaining to marine biology, a bucket of multicoloured, gyrating tentacles by her side. She furrows her brow in contemplation of these difficult matters. LEO enters from the Yellow Gardens with a tray of new samples, which wriggle about sleepily. They have the build of large shrimp, but the texture of salmon and each has a beak, a horn and a pair of vestigal wings.

LEO

Latest haul from PROFESSOR SPECTRE. Do you have time to take a look at these?
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Ask three fellows, special election edition. Would you vote for…

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Would you vote for…

Jesus Josefson, carpenter, triple-schizophrenic, freelance saviour and magical wizard

jesus.png…this candidate, mr. Donald Trump? I have been following his political career closely, for I am the light and the glory. I would point out some things, blessed readers, that I have found interesting in my sacredness. First off, mr. Trump wishes to erect a wall to keep out the people of Mexico and to restrict entry into his fine country from people of the most unblessed Muslim faith. Now, you might think that these things are needlessly stringent, but here I disagree, for the meek shall inherit the earth. Continue reading →

Excerpt from “Intensifying Hearts & Dreams” – season 16, episode 9

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Int: the Gastronomy Institute, seclusion chamber.

FRANK is in the room, alone. He is sitting in a special chair, his limp frame propped up by various wires and contraptions. The chair sits inside a complex, oval MEDICAL POD that monitors his existence. FRANK’s mind is connected to gastronomical devices through a tube sticking out of his brain stem. His hands are bandaged, his skin is pale, and his eyes are completely white. He sings-

FRANK

Ho hum, diddle and dumb –

Singing a soong in a hospital roongm –

Where is the future, where is the past? –

Have the vultures made off with my mystical staff? –

Staff in the sense of personnel, you see –

Not a magic cane that could delight you and me.

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Excerpt from “Intensifying Hearts & Dreams” – season 16, episode 1

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Int: the Intensifying Hearts Club & Leisure Centre, in the women’s bathroom.

The women of the town – SALINA the rooster, MARCIA the mental case, MONICA the lovestruck fool, PENELOPE the betrayed lover, MADAME MORGANNA the matriarch, EDITOR the complainer, and a number of unnamed ones – are gathered in the bathroom. All of the women except for MADAME MORGANNA are in full histrionic meltdown.

PENELOPE

A new girl? A new girl in our town?

 

MONICA

That’s right. A beautiful one, too.

 

PENELOPE

PAULETTE…. Her name is.. PAULETTE!!?

 

MONICA

It is, I’m afraid. She is PAULETTE, the new girl who just arrived to our town a few hours ago.

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Excerpt from “Intensifying Hearts & Dreams” – season 15, episode 100

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Int: Location unknown, the Committee Interrogation Chamber

A dark room with stone floor, a stone door in a stone wall, and a vast black nothingness ahead. DADDY and ANGÉL GABRIÉL are standing in what little light there is, looking out into nothing. ANGÉL is standing further back, by the door, fidgeting, clutching himself and looking extremely nervous. DADDY stands in front, cross-armed, with a steely expression full of disappointment and barely-suppressed indignation.

ANGÉL GABRIÉL

I don’t like this one bit, sir. I feel far from good.

 

DADDY

No shit sherbet. This isn’t something meant to be liked in any way. And keep your voice down, everything we do or say is being recorded. Our very minds are being analysed, so keep your wits about you.

 

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Excerpt from “Intensifying Hearts & Dreams” – season 15, episode 99

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Int: The Gastronomy Institute, treatment room.

MARCIA is lying on an observation sofa. She is semi-catatonic, but her eyes are open. Her expression is tormented, lost. Streaks of mascara from her red eyes all the way to the floor – that is how much she has been crying. DR. ADAMSON is sitting in a chair by the desk. He is holding a large double scotch and cradling his tired head in his free hand.

DR. ADAMSON

Oy vey. Another week, another complete disaster. Will all our schemes be undone again?

 

MARCIA

Aaah… Gord loveeee phah…

 

DR. ADAMSON

I sure wish you weren’t so heartbroken and catatonic, MAR. You make even worse company than usual. Ah, women….

  Continue reading →