Special Medical Doctor edition
Donald Trump hilariously got his doctor to write a note to school that said, of course, he was the healthiest man alive. Yes, this is true. And it is so badly written you have to sit down when you read it. Highlights include “laboratory test were astonishingly excellent” and “His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary” and, the grand prize, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” All this is obviously ridiculous and utterly unworthy a candidate for the presidency of the United States. Continue reading
Int: Swirling dreamscape
We are inside FRANK‘s green-grey dream. FRANK himself is floating slightly above the ground, spinning slowly in a circle. His face is fixed in a sadistic grin and never moves during the entire sequence, even when he is speaking.
Hode, humb, middle my sums…
“The BOF TV” logo is shown, followed by the following message:
“Thank you for purchasing this anniversary DVD edition of the first season of the show, available for the first time in unabridged form! Enjoy audio commentary by the stars and creators of this classic telenovela!” Continue reading
Int: The Crystal Palace, tickle chamber
PENELOPE is sitting at the lab table reading documents pertaining to marine biology, a bucket of multicoloured, gyrating tentacles by her side. She furrows her brow in contemplation of these difficult matters. LEO enters from the Yellow Gardens with a tray of new samples, which wriggle about sleepily. They have the build of large shrimp, but the texture of salmon and each has a beak, a horn and a pair of vestigal wings.
Latest haul from PROFESSOR SPECTRE. Do you have time to take a look at these?
Would you vote for…
Jesus Josefson, carpenter, triple-schizophrenic, freelance saviour and magical wizard
…this candidate, mr. Donald Trump? I have been following his political career closely, for I am the light and the glory. I would point out some things, blessed readers, that I have found interesting in my sacredness. First off, mr. Trump wishes to erect a wall to keep out the people of Mexico and to restrict entry into his fine country from people of the most unblessed Muslim faith. Now, you might think that these things are needlessly stringent, but here I disagree, for the meek shall inherit the earth. Continue reading
Int: the Gastronomy Institute, seclusion chamber.
FRANK is in the room, alone. He is sitting in a special chair, his limp frame propped up by various wires and contraptions. The chair sits inside a complex, oval MEDICAL POD that monitors his existence. FRANK’s mind is connected to gastronomical devices through a tube sticking out of his brain stem. His hands are bandaged, his skin is pale, and his eyes are completely white. He sings-
Ho hum, diddle and dumb –
Singing a soong in a hospital roongm –
Where is the future, where is the past? –
Have the vultures made off with my mystical staff? –
Staff in the sense of personnel, you see –
Not a magic cane that could delight you and me.
Int: the Intensifying Hearts Club & Leisure Centre, in the women’s bathroom.
The women of the town – SALINA the rooster, MARCIA the mental case, MONICA the lovestruck fool, PENELOPE the betrayed lover, MADAME MORGANNA the matriarch, EDITOR the complainer, and a number of unnamed ones – are gathered in the bathroom. All of the women except for MADAME MORGANNA are in full histrionic meltdown.
A new girl? A new girl in our town?
That’s right. A beautiful one, too.
PAULETTE…. Her name is.. PAULETTE!!?
It is, I’m afraid. She is PAULETTE, the new girl who just arrived to our town a few hours ago.
Int: Location unknown, the Committee Interrogation Chamber
A dark room with stone floor, a stone door in a stone wall, and a vast black nothingness ahead. DADDY and ANGÉL GABRIÉL are standing in what little light there is, looking out into nothing. ANGÉL is standing further back, by the door, fidgeting, clutching himself and looking extremely nervous. DADDY stands in front, cross-armed, with a steely expression full of disappointment and barely-suppressed indignation.
I don’t like this one bit, sir. I feel far from good.
No shit sherbet. This isn’t something meant to be liked in any way. And keep your voice down, everything we do or say is being recorded. Our very minds are being analysed, so keep your wits about you.
Int: The Gastronomy Institute, treatment room.
MARCIA is lying on an observation sofa. She is semi-catatonic, but her eyes are open. Her expression is tormented, lost. Streaks of mascara from her red eyes all the way to the floor – that is how much she has been crying. DR. ADAMSON is sitting in a chair by the desk. He is holding a large double scotch and cradling his tired head in his free hand.
Oy vey. Another week, another complete disaster. Will all our schemes be undone again?
Aaah… Gord loveeee phah…
I sure wish you weren’t so heartbroken and catatonic, MAR. You make even worse company than usual. Ah, women….
In recent events, an unknown person leaked enormous amounts of documents – pertaining to primarily off-shore companies – to the German daily Süddeutsche Zeitung. The newspaper then partnered with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists. The documents revealed, with a spectacularly high level of detail, the dodgy schemes of the criminals and tax-evaders. Continue reading