Hi, I’m Ray Sawyer and I know there’s been a lot going on. You might think this has to be about Director Comey finding new Hillary mail among Weiners dick-picks? That is, sadly for Rs (and conspiracy leftys), not the case. What I want want – nay, need!!! – to say is: I want to officially apologize to all Republicans for not being able to supply you with all Donald Trump DEALBREAKERS!!!. It is simply too much, which ironically is a DEALBREAKER!!! in itself. In fact, it might just be the ultimate DEALBREAKER!!!: if your preferred candidate brings so many DEALBREAKERS!!! you can’t keep up with them, it’s a giant goddamn motherfucken’ DEALBREAKER!!! Continue reading
Dear all sweet Masons of our collective and treasured truth! A lot has been said in these pages about Trumpnik. But let’s switch our approach for a bit. Here comes a question for you: How about that sweet old grandmotherly lady, who is possibly a corrupt shill for the suicidal capitalists and/or Rotschild bankers, clearly does not understand the mysteries of modern technology fully, and/or may just be a working politician trying to do her best? In short, would you consider voting for Hillary Clinton?
Charlene “Arlene” Davidson – Former child beauty pageant winner, chicken sandwich recipe website proprietor, self-proclaimed dispensor of down-to-earth country wisdom
Hell no! Don’t trust Crooked Hillary – she is Crooked! Don’t you stupid liberals understand that’s why she’s called Crooked Hillary? You wouldn’t call someone that if they weren’t crooked would you? Check mate liberal scum! Continue reading
Special Mother Russia edition
When you are running for the world’s most powerful office it’s important to know what you’re talking about. Since Donald Trump never knows what he’s talking about, he should already be disqualified. But as Communication guru Rasmus Kleis Nielsen said: “…if people do not expect you to be very measured and controlled and on message all the time, they never expect that of you.” True that. Now, most people live in something scientists have long called “reality.” If you’re not familiar with the concept, it is a set of common parameters for all that is and ever has been. (At least until we can upload our minds to a computer, after which I assume it can be absolutely whatever). Continue reading
Special Medical Doctor edition
Donald Trump hilariously got his doctor to write a note to school that said, of course, he was the healthiest man alive. Yes, this is true. And it is so badly written you have to sit down when you read it. Highlights include “laboratory test were astonishingly excellent” and “His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary” and, the grand prize, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” All this is obviously ridiculous and utterly unworthy a candidate for the presidency of the United States. Continue reading
Dearest Masons of Truth, spread across this great globe of ours! This time, in a joint effort between the Political Commentary on the Political Commentary Bureau and the Gastronomy Institute, we have asked three of your prominent members an important and topical question. Politics – what’s it all about? For example, the US presidential election… What is that stuff!!??! In essence: Do you believe that the business of politics and the actions of politicians influence your life?
Patsy Paulson – Christian Scientist, freelance missionary, and Healer
No. As a Healer in service to the Lord, I believe there are far more important things to think about than politics. It is shamefully vain of us lowly humans to believe that we are in control of our destinies. The only one who decides about destiny is our lord God, and of course no man can influence God. Continue reading
Special lying edition – And why it’s so goddamn important.
When you go to civics class when you’re young there’s this talking point about Hitler having said something along the lines of “tell a big lie, make it simple, tell it frequently, and they will be believe it.” This strategy was part of how Mr Hitler got into power in the 1930s in what was then Weimar Germany. If you’re not familiar with Mr Hitler, he was the primary antagonist of the Second World War and famous for his watercolour painting, the deconstruction of the equal value of human life, the murder of 6 million Jews, the destruction of a continent and some 70 to 80 million lives lost worldwide in total. In all, the deadliest and most destructive conflict in the history of mankind.
As a result of our analysis, everything points toward the supporters of Donald Trump being one of three things: a) blatant racists and to a varying degree believers of dirty nationalism (or Nazism as we used to call it in the ‘30s), b) cheap and unwilling to contribute to the beautiful thing called civilization (or pay taxes as we‘ve called it the last 3000 years) or c) people who identify strongly with the Republican party to an extent that the ‘R’ is an extension of themselves. Continue reading
Just recently the Messrs of atcn released a little tune where they were singing and playing their instruments (while dancing in the studio sunset) about an orange orangutan. Now, we’ve received feedback about why they did that. So I’m going to try and shine a light on that.
Would you vote for…
Jesus Josefson, carpenter, triple-schizophrenic, freelance saviour and magical wizard
…this candidate, mr. Donald Trump? I have been following his political career closely, for I am the light and the glory. I would point out some things, blessed readers, that I have found interesting in my sacredness. First off, mr. Trump wishes to erect a wall to keep out the people of Mexico and to restrict entry into his fine country from people of the most unblessed Muslim faith. Now, you might think that these things are needlessly stringent, but here I disagree, for the meek shall inherit the earth. Continue reading
“The more you believe, the less you understand…”